Whether you're newly married or you've been officially wedded for years, you may, like many American women, worry your odds of di...
Whether you're newly married or you've been officially wedded for years, you may, like many American women, worry your odds of divorce hover around 50 percent. While this might have been true for your mom's generation, divorce rates do appear to be declining in recent years. Still, the factors that predict whether a couple will last over the long haul — or file for irreconcilable differences — have remained the same.
Carrie Cole, M.Ed., LPC, master certified trainer, and director of research at the Gottman
Institute, shared with Cosmopolitan.com six key signs a marriage is headed for Splitsville. Here's what to look out for once the honeymoon glow's worn off.
Institute, shared with Cosmopolitan.com six key signs a marriage is headed for Splitsville. Here's what to look out for once the honeymoon glow's worn off.
1. He Puts You DownExample: You and your beau are about to head out but you've misplaced your keys — again. "How predictable," he mutters with a forced exhalation. "How many times a week can you seriously fail to keep yourself together?"
The hugest predictor of divorce is contempt, says Cole. Think: Downright nastiness, disrespect, mocking, ridiculing, eye-rolling, name-calling, or sarcasm. (Hostility, in a nutshell.) Worse? Above and beyond signaling the end of a relationship is nigh, marital partners who are consistently mean to one another actually wreck each others' immune systems.
Try taking a pause before bullying your partner to consider what you're trying to get out of the habit — and how else you might be able to obtain that goal. (If it's just to one-up them or feel better about yourself by putting them down, trust that any satisfaction from being a jerk will only make both of you feel awful.)
2. She Cuts Into Your CharacterExample: He leaves his socks all over the bedroom, despite you having told him his messy habits drive you up the wall on, oh, 678 occasions and counting. Your reaction this time around: "What is the matter with you?! Are you an idiot? Or just completely incapable of cleaning up after yourself?"
Or ... you've put on a few pounds since the relationship's start. And, with a way-too-judgmental glance, decides to remind you "how you've really let yourself go."
Similar to contempt, criticism delivers an equally painful hit to a relationship's lasting power, Cole points out. (You never show up on time; you're always letting me down. How come you're so uptight, can't you just chill out?) Avoid this approach at all costs if you'd like your marriage to remain satisfying for all parties involved.
This isn't to say you should avoid voicing complaints in a relationship. Swallowing your concerns bodes just as poorly for your relationship as well as your own bodily health. But if you've got a problem with something your partner's done or said, kick off the awkward convo about it in a kinder manner and with a gentler tone. (For starters: "Hey, love. I know it can be hard for you to get out of work before 6, but I'm stressed about getting to this event on time. Is there any way you could sneak out a bit early on this date?" or, "I've noticed you've been really stressed lately. Want to talk about what's going on?")
The kinder approach helps warm your partner to the thought of changing their behavior — or, at the very least, giving you that delicious satisfaction of feeling heard.
3. You Refuse to Admit You're WrongExample: She confronts you about being emotionally checked out at the last family gathering. Your response: "You're really too sensitive about this. I wasn't doing anything wrong. Heaven forbid I was tired."
Dodging responsibility ("Since when is it my job to schedule the exterminator?) and finger-pointing ("Oh, I'm at fault for nagging? You do it more than I do!") are prime examples of defensiveness in relationships. From incessantly underscoring your partner's flaws to not admitting you're (obviously) wrong, Cole says keeping your guard up nixes crucial feelings of closeness all relationships require to stay strong.
4. You Storm Out on Each OtherExample: You're trying to tell her just how much it hurts when she refuses to pick up your calls at work. She rolls her eyes in the kitchen, drops her plate in the sink and responds with a "You know what? I'm just not talking about this again, I've had a long day." You're left with the water running and a painful ache in your chest.
If you or your partner has ever completely shut down, gone silent, or angrily stormed away from a conversation, then congratulations (or not) — you've been hit with stonewalling. This cold response to conflict blocks healthy communication and creates an icy emotional distance — not exactly the recipe for a happy marriage.
5. He's a Total DownerYou bolt into the living room to tell your hubby there's a fun new exhibit at that museum you used to go to when you were still "newlyweds." His immediate reaction? "Hon, I really don't have the time," or, "Yeah, well, you wanna foot the bill on that excursion?" Womp.
Being a downer in response to a partner's excitement about his or her day at work, squashing their proposition to revive romance with a weekend getaway, or reminding them about all that's wrong with their family, health, or general existence does not (as you might imagine) make anyone pleased to stay committed to you.
Even worse, when negativity creeps into a relationship, Cole points out, partners are more likely to see each others' behavior (even well-intended acts) as malicious, hurtful, and disappointing. It's a lose-lose situation, Cole says, when "partners look for or focus on the bad no matter what one does for the other."
6. She Gave Up Caring Months AgoExample: He's brought up the possibility of couple's counseling more than a few times. But at each mention, you balk. "Forget it. It's not worth the effort," you find yourself saying. Or, "I don't want to waste my money finding out what else I've been doing wrong."
A marriage has likely reached its expiration date when one or both partners are no longer willing to fix the problems they see in their relationship, Cole says. Whether that's not wanting to go to counseling, resisting any efforts to reignite the flame, or stubbornly refusing to change how they speak to (or confront) one another, a lack of willingness to be part of a team essentially signals "I give up."
Cole reminds us that no one is perfect and that it's not necessarily a deal breaker if any of the above occasionally crop up during a relationship's course. But she advises concerned couples not to wait on tackling problems, since one too many racked-up resentments can cripple a marriage beyond repair. ("The average couple waits around six years too long to seek counseling," Cole points out.)
Source: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/
